hors12Toaster’s Handbook: Jokes, Stories, and Quotations

The man rushed excitedly into the smoking car. “A lady has fainted in the next car! Has anybody got any whiskey?” he asked. Instantly a half-dozen flasks were thrust out to him. Taking the nearest one, he turned the bottle up and took a big drink, then, handing the flask back, said, “Thank you. It always did make me feel sick to see a lady faint.”



In a recent trial of a “bootlegger” in western Kentucky a witness testified that he had purchased some “squirrel” whisky from the defendant. “Squirrel whisky?” questioned the court. “Yes, you know: the kind that makes you talk nutty and want to climb trees.”


The Irish talent for repartee has an amusing illustration in Lord Rossmore’s recent book “Things I Can Tell.” While acting as magistrate at an Irish village, Lord Rossmore said to an old offender brought before him: “You here again?” “Yes, your honor.” “What’s brought you here?” “Two policemen, your honor.” “Come, come, I know that–drunk again, I suppose?” “Yes, your honor, both of them.”




If you are invited to drink at any man’s house more than you think is wholesome, you may say “you wish you could, but so little makes you both drunk and sick; that you should only be bad company by doing so.” Lord Chesterfield.



Izzy Lazarus is dead, they say.” – “Dead, is he?


7natuur.gifWhat is the difference between a ‘drunk’ and an ‘alcoholic’?? A drunk doesn’t have to go to meetings…


A pair of slippers — Two eels.

Old Dick was like his dog, ’twas said,
In every particular,
And upright were the lives they led,
Their ways were pup-and-Dick-ular.


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